Parenting 101
by xmayniacx
Summary: Parenting 101. A Look into the Rules that our female friends have set for our very special male agents when it comes to parenting and expecting. Kari up now. Tate-uncertain. R&R :
1. Tiva

Title: 20 Things, That I, Anthony DiNozzo Jr., Learned Today

Pairing: Tiva

Summary: Tony DiNozzo has learned a lot. Especially when it comes expecting a baby, or two.

Disclaimer: Don't own a thing. Nadda. Only this idea. Well not exactly, seeing as it's kind of an overused topic but oh well, I felt like writing and this was easy.

There are many things I have learned from becoming a father. But I must say that these are the most important lessons of all, that is, if you want to live going through parenting with Ziva. I guess I'll have to start off with the #1 rule of all and that would be:

Ziva says, goes. No exceptions.

The next 19 are also very important, so listen carefully.

2. Headaches are to be expected after telling Gibbs that Ziva is pregnant with my child

3. When friends and family ask what the baby is going to be, do not respond "a squirming rugrat". That will get you a night of sleeping on the couch,which, admit it, is uncomfortable as hell.

4. Under no circumstances are you aloud to make snide remarks about the hideous clothing that your wife has to wear for 9 months.

5. Do NOT bother Ziva when she's in her "chocolate craving moods". You WILL regret it.

6. A pregnant Ziva is much more dangerous when irritated. Trust me.

7. Ziva gets to name the baby. End of discussion. Talia Jennifer David-DiNozzo.

8. There is no reason that you can't help her with the baby when she's tired. After all, she's had to carry the extra weight for 9 long months. It's the least you can do.

9. When she finds out she's pregnant again, it's best to tell Gibbs right away; there is no use hiding the fact.

10. When you realize that the sonogram is showing you twins, do not get too dissappointed that they're both going to be girls again.

11. Don't blurt the names to Abby again. You don't want to get punched in the arm out of shock, do you?

12. Don't complain when she starts crying because of something that's as simple as not giving her the damn remote. It's just hormones that'll pass over in a few months. Live with it.

13. When she tells you that she hates you and that she never wants to see you again because you accidently did something completely "male", don't take it to heart. It's just those damn hormones talking again.

14. No, you are not allowed to call your children the "Three Ninja-skteers". That WILL end up badly for you.

15. Abby gets to hold the twins first. She called it.

16. Don't get too dissappointed that you can't name both twins on your own, considering that picking names isn't exactly your forte, you're lucky she trusted you to name one of them.

17. Don't get overly proud of your-self for picking out a "Ziva-approved" name; Delilah Caitlin David-DiNozzo

18. You have to admit, she's a very good name picker; Gabrielle Kelly David-DiNozzo

19. No, you are still not allowed to call them the "Three Ninja-skteers", even if Ziva has warmed up to it.

20. Don't forget rule #1. That applies to all the "Daddy can I have this?" and "Daddy can I have that?" that you will get over the next 18 or so years. If Ziva says no, then that's it. End of discussion, no matter how cute, or adorable they are. That will result in another night of sleeping on the couch for you.

Well? What do you think? I wanted to try my hand at something cute and fluffy since I haven't done that yet. And I needed another fic. to post for my repetoir(spelling? lol) Don't forget, R&R pleases (:


	2. McAbby

Pairing: McAbby

Summary: Parenting 101 for one Timothy McGee

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Zip. Zilche. Nada

Ya know, I know I'm not exactly the most "masculine" guy, as Ziva would put it, but still...I figured that I should be the one to make the final decisions, right? Ha, I was wrong. I have definitely learned a thing or two these past couple of years when it comes to living with Abby. I'm pretty sure that the #1 lesson learned would be:

1. Always remember that she is one of the few that can kill you and leave no forensic evidence, as she so clearly states to all of us when we've irritated her..

chocolate cupcakes left in the fridge from Ziva are for Abby ONLY. Do not eat them.

3. Try to be as comforting as possible when she realizes that Hot Topic doesn't sell clothing in Maternity sizes.

4. Don't ask stupid questions. End of discussion.

5. What ever Abby says, goes. Period.

6. When she asks for Caf-Pow, give them to her, but use fruit punch every once and a while, all that caffeine isn't good for the baby's health.

7. Let her wear her boots. You're not going to win, just let her wear the damn things.

8. If she wants to sleep in the "boxed sofa bed" together, do it, no matter how squished things will be, just do it.

9. Don't make faces at Martin when Abby asks if he wants to feel the baby kick. She has a right to have "male friends". Get over it.

10. Don't make her upset around Gibbs. That will earn you the role of Tony, or in other words, Gibb's slapping bag.

11. Don't complain when she wants something NOW. Just do it. It'll save the hassel for both of you.

12. Try not to faint when you find out that it's going to be twins; a boy and a girl.

13. At least pretend to be interested in picking out clothes for your new children.

14. She gets dibbs on naming your daughter; Claire Shannon Scuito-McGee, so that means that you get to name your son; Tyler Jackson Scuito-McGee

15. When friends and family ask the two of you if you're nervous about raising twins, lie. It may be rough in the beginning, but it's well worth it.

16. Everyone on the team will be their family. Make sure you explain that very carefully when they grow up.

17. No, you are not allowed to show Tyler your latest role-playing game when he gets older; we don't need a Jr. Elflord around.

18. Try not to stutter all the time; it's not the best example for your kids.

19. Yes, you are going to have to change diapers, get over it.

20. Never forget to tell all of them you love them.

Ok so I did McAbby since some of you suggested it. Next up is Jibbs :O I can only imagine the rules Jenny will have. Hehe


	3. Jibbs

Pairing: Jibbs

Title: Gibbs isn't the Only One With Rules

Summary: Parenting 101 for Gibbs. Oh boy.  
Disclaimer: I don't own anything...also...this one was like uber difficult because I was having major brain cramps lol and I'm not sure if these rules are as "good" as the Tiva and McAbby rules.

Being a parent is definitely a special thing. But the person going through it with you makes it even more special. But there was one thing I definitely wasn't expecting. Rules. 20 of them. And she had made it crystal clear that they were to be followed or else...

1. No, you can't head slap or head tap Jenny at any time during these next 9 months, or she WILL "Jenny slap" you and it won't be on the back of the head.

2. Jenny makes the final decisions. End of story.

3. Because she "said so".

4. Yes, you are going to change diapers, whether you like it or not.

5. No, you are not making our child memorize all 51 of your damn rules.

6. It's a boy. Don't get overexcited.

7. His name is going to be Colton Jasper Sheppard-Gibbs

8. Paying more attention to the boat will get you a night of sleep inside it, which isn't exactly the most comfortable thing to sleep in.

9. He is not allowed to hang out with DiNozzo untill he's at least 13, if even then. We don't need a Jr. Jr. DiNozzo around.

10. We are transforming the basement into a play area. End of discussion.

11. When you find out she's pregnant again, make sure to tell Abby this time. She wasn't happy she had to hear it from Tony.

12. Yes, you're allowed to name the baby this time; Hailey Abigail Sheppard-Gibbs

13. See rule #5. This also applies to Hailey as well.

14. Screw rule #4, you're only human. You're bound to apologize at least a million times in your lifetime.

15. No,Jethro, background checks on the day-care people aren't necessary...

16. Don't even think about headslapping the children, not even lightly.

17. No, you are not teaching Colton about guns.

18. Don't think that you can weasle your way out of everything just by seduction. It won't work all the time.

19. No, we are NOT paying DiNozzo to watch Hailey and Colton just so we can go to Paris again.

20. Failing to comply to these will earn you a week on the couch.

Ok so yeah I'm not so happy with how this one turned out. The beginning I liked but as I started getting to the bottom, ehhh I dunno I think there could have been better rules. But who am I to say, considering I criticize my self way too much when it comes to my writing. Not sure if I'm doing any-more, considering these are the "canon" couples of the show. Besides Tate, but I'm not sure...I might just go with Kari but I dunno. Vote now pleases? It'd make the decision easier lol. Anyhoo, R&R please and thank you (:


	4. Kari

Pairing: Kari  
Summary: Well let's just say that Ari has a lot to learn.  
Disclaimer: I'm not repeating the same thing I've been saying the last 3 damn times. I DON'T own anything so no sueing lol.  
A/N: There's a bit of Kate Gosselin bashing in rule 2. Ehhh I liked the show but now I think she's full of herself and ehhh I'm just gonna stop lol.

I thought Gibbs was somewhat terrifying. Wait untill you meet my wife when she's pregnant. Way worse, but I suppose it's to be expected..Anyway, I certainly wasn't expecting Caitlin to have these rediculous rules...

1. Chocolate is Kate's best friend for these next 9 months.

2. When you find out it's twins, don't even joke about having sextuplets and calling yourselves Ari and Kate plus Eight. You know how much that woman irritates Kate with her insane ways.

3. calling her Caitlin doesn't calm her down, it just flusters her further. Stick with Kate for now.

4. Give her the damn remote. It's not even football season.

5. No, riding to the OBGYN on your motorcycle is not a good idea. Do you want to A. get yelled at by both Kate and the doctor and B. Want puke all over your fancy smancy riding suit? Didn't think so.

6. No, you are not teaching your twin daughters how to use knives at age 6. No matter when Ziva learned. Just, no.

7. Kate will tell Gibbs about the twins. We don't need you getting shot...again.

8. Abby gets dibbs on holding them after you guys.

9. You are picking out names together, not separately.

10. Help out as much as possible, if you want to continue sleeping in bed and not on the floor.

11. Yes, she's going to cry when she doesn't get what she wants. It's the damn hormones. Live with it.

12. Sometimes women crave the strangest food combinations. Kate is one of them.

13. Forget rule #9. Their names will be Brooke Hasmia Todd-Haswari and Hannah Isabelle Todd-Haswari; because she said so.

14. No, you are not allowed to joke around and waddle like a penguin around your friends. She's like Gibbs; she will find out.

15. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell Brooke and Hannah about your war-filled past; this will cause you to sleep on the floor because they need to sleep with their mother from the nightmares.

16. Take caution around Gibbs. No matter what.

17. Don't watch violent movies and television shows. It will wake Brooke and Hannah up.

18. When an extra pair of hands are needed, get in there, they won't bite.

19. No, your latest mission is not considered a "bed-time" story.

20. Don't spoil them too heavily.

Ok so I did Kari like you all seemed to want but I might do Tate to make the chapter count a nice even 5. R&R and tell me what ya think ((:


	5. AN

Hey guys. So a lot of u guys have left reviews for this fic(love the responses

by th way :) requesting the non-canon couples of the show. Anyway, i just wanted

to let you guys know that while non-canon couples will be added, i probably

will only use children from Tiva,McAbby,Jibbs, and Kari because who will i pair

Ziva up with if i do Tate? I dont think i could use Roy because we didn't learn

much about his character. Correct me if im wrong, yes? Same with Michael Rivkan.

But considering that real-life is getting in the way, i do not know how often i

will be able to update so please bear with me:) thanks for reading guys:)


	6. Tate

Pairing: Tate  
Summary: Tony+Kate+Baby=Rules. 20 of them.  
A/N: Ok, so yeah I said I wasn't going to do Tate because lately I've totally been diggin' Tiva, but I have gotten a lot of requests so I decided to be nice (: And I kinda sorta maybe still like Tate xD.

I, Anthony DiNozzo Jr. have learned a lot. What about, you ask? What to expect when you're expecting. Ok, so no I'm not the one ACTUALLY expecting, but still, I have definitely learned how to act and how NOT to act if you want to make it out alive with Kate.

DO NOT call her Katie if you want to live.

If you think about even glimpsing at one of those disgraceful magazines you call entertainment, you can kiss the comfortable warmth of both Kate and the bed good-bye for the next week.

Expect at least a couple thousand head-slaps over these next 9 months; hey, you're the one who chose to work for Gibbs.

It's going to be a boy; no we are not having celebration sex.

Movie references are not recommended throughout the next 9 months either; you'll regret it.

Say hello to your new son, Michael Tyler Todd DiNozzo

Changing diapers won't kill you, DiNozzo; however, Kate will if you don't help.

No, you are not making him call McGee Uncle Probie; it's humiliating enough you still call him that.

Yes, baby #2 is on the way; and no, she's not kidding.

Don't laugh; that won't end well for you.

So what if it's a girl? You wanted a boy and you got one. She wanted a girl. Now you're both happy.

Yes, we are still keeping little Tony.

It doesn't matter if she doesn't like you, it's Kate's dog.

Because she said so.

Unhappy Kate=Irritated Gibbs=Head pain and or trauma for you.

Abby gets to hold Isabella (Bella) Rose Todd DiNozzo first; because Kate promised she could.

No, we are not paying McGee and Abby to watch Michael and Bella; they already have Claire and Tyler to deal with.

We're not making Bella the character from Twilight.

And no, Michael is not being a vampire either…

Whatever Kate says, is the final decision.


End file.
